Time...

Where has it gone? The time...the time between when this BEAUTIFUL girl was born and came into our lives until now...seems like just yesterday.

Jessica Renee...you make me laugh every single day. I love you so very much! You are changing right before my eyes and I would like to just stop time for now and keep you my little girl! But as you grow into a young little woman I am amazed by you every day!

I love you my BEAUTIFUL GIRL!

...

Nothing much to say today =( I told myself that I would blog more often sooo...I'll just type whats on my mind.

~Why does my son not go to school until 10am today due to Star testing?
~How often should I wash our bedsheets? I do it once a month, is that enough?
~Why did my daughter put ALL of her jeans in the washer last night and now they are soaking wet and she has to wear shorts to school today...and its supposed to rain!
~I'm excited to get away to the mall with Denise and Allison today. I miss my VS lotion bad and need more!!
~I need to exercise more...
~I need to sleep less.
~I wish I could go to my brothers graduation.
~Has Jess brushed her teeth yet? We need to leave in a few minutes.
~I'm cold.

Ok...well I guess now you know whats on my mind at this moment...lol!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!

PEACEFUL...

What a GREAT day!

Woke up to and went to have breakfast with my friend Gina. Her Step mom, Sister and Niece are here from Reno for a few days and I was excited to see them! Yay for Mimosas and breakfast!

Came home and asked Hubby what he wanted to do today...he said he had no plans and "whatever" was fine and the he was just "along for the ride." So I took full advantage of that! Packed up a few things told the kids to get in the car and we drove to Bodega Bay for the afternoon. The kids played on the beach. The dog played on the beach. We played and napped on the beach...lol. Then a quiet drive home. Just what we needed! A day just for us! I loved it!

Thankful....

I know lately I've been a downer...so I want to switch it up. I am soooooooo thankful for the things I do have in life!

So thankful for my BEAUTIFUL Family that I am SO proud of!

So thankful Jessica and I have decided to go on this journey together to do Kaju.

So thankful that I get to spend summers with my Dad and out "hillbilly" side of the family! I love them!!

So thankful for ALL of my Brothers and Sisters!! Even though we couldn't all be together at Grams Memorial we were in heart! And they make me smile! I love you guys!

Wow...I'm so thankful for these people. A sad time brought us all together again. But its been at least 10 years and many new nieces and nephews since we've all been together.

I am thankful that I got to spend this last Christmas Eve with my Gram, drinking margaritas and enjoying family. She was soooo excited that I got her diabetic socks! She never got to wear them, she passed away 17 days after this picture was taken. I have this picture and the socks hanging in my room and I look at them everyday!
I'm so thankful that I had you for 36 years of my life Gram. I love you so very much! I'm thankful that we recently went to visit my Hubby's Grandma in Oregon. I've learned we have to spend as much time with everyone we can in life...because you never know what day will be the last. I am so thankful for my kids..they make me laugh so much and keep me going. No matter what happens I know that they love me and always will!

I'm so thankful for this silly little puppy. I never thought we would have a dog...but Monster is just what the doctor ordered! I can be sad and crying and he will come curl up next to me and just lick my cheek. He is a blessing. I know that sounds silly but I love this little Monster!


Thankful cannot describe what I feel for this man. For the last 20 1/2 years of my life he has been by my side. It hasn't always been easy...but its always been worth it. I love you Robert and I am so thankful for and appreciate everything you do for me and our family.
Lately I've spent a lot of time with these two precious Angels! I love them so much! I'm so thankful for my "little" blessings, Emily and Allison. I can be having a terrible day and just hearing the laughter of a 2 year old and the cooing of 4 month old can melt it all away!
I'm so thankful that we have GREAT friends that have moved into our neighborhood and we can all just be "kids" together!
I am soooooooo thankful that I have a great support system in my friends. You mean so much to me!
See...lol! They support me to be silly. To be myself. To have fun in life! I love my friends!
I am thankful for so much...and have not even began to put them all down into words or pictures so if your face isn't on this page it doesn't mean I am not thankful for you...
This has been the worst year I think I've had...ever! But I need to remember the things that make me thankful and make me smile!

Dreams

Last night I had a crazy dream...
My Gram came home!! She was ALIVE! She wanted to know "What the hell did you do with all of my stuff?" "Who the hell is in my house?" "Why the hell would we do this to her?"
We (my brothers Sam and Ed and our Uncle Darrell) were at her trailer for one last sweep thru before we let the new owners have it and there she was..she walked right thru the door! As healthy as can be!! No oxygen, no grey hair, no slowness in her walk! And she looked at me like I betrayed her! She went to her room and said "Trina Renee, where are my things?" I told her that her bedroom set was in Jessica's room and that we had donated most of her clothes. She looked at me all confused and hurt and said "Now why the hell would you donate my old used drawers?" (meaning under ware, that's what she called them, lol) I told her she died. I thought to myself "Am I the only one that can see her? Is she here haunting me?" So, I pinched her! She said "Ouch! You little shit! That hurt!" OMG!!!!!!! She's alive!!!!!!!!!!!!! But How?? I saw her on the floor, not breathing. I touched her cold body. I brushed her hair off of her forehead. I heard the body bag open when the coroner came. I signed the papers to have her cremated!!! What did I do??? How could I have made such a huge mistake????? How is this happening? And who is in that box of ashes???? Someone has some explaining to do!!
And then....I woke up =(

This is the first dream I've had of her since she's passed away...at least that I can remember. Is she trying to tell me something?? What?? After my Mom passed away when I was 9, I would dream that she was standing there, telling me that someone had her and that I was the only one that could find her! Why do I have these dreams that they are not gone??? Why??? I'm scared to go to sleep.

Trust...

Can I trust you?

Can I trust you with my heart?
Can I trust you with my mind?
Can I trust you with my soul?
Can I trust you with my thoughts?
Can I trust you with my tears?
Can I trust you with my love?
Can I trust you with my sanity?
Can I trust you with my secrets?
Can I trust you with my family?
Can I trust you with my fears?
Can I trust you with my friends?
Can I trust you to just know...?

I feel I cant trust anyone...I feel alone.

GRIEF...

Its strange how grief can just hit you out of the blue...like this evening. I was laying in bed, watching TV...then when I turned off the lights and tried to go to sleep all I could think about was my Gram and how much I truly miss her! I thought about our last day together. I thought about how I wish she would call me. I thought about her laying on the floor and me telling her goodbye and that she was my hero. I thought about how lost I have been these last three months since she passed away. All I could do was cry. I had to get up out of bed and decided to blog to maybe help get it out of my system...but I don't think this feeling will EVER be out of my system!

I feel like the last three months I've been living someone elses life. Kind of like I'm in a dream. I would have thought reality would have kicked in by now and I'd be OK....but I'm not. I'm not the same Trina I was...at all. I don't smile or laugh as often. I am a sad person. Depression Sucks A$$!!

Well, I guess I'll try to sleep...I wanted to put this picture in the slide show and my Gram's memorial but my Aunt wouldn't let me...feels appropriate now...lol. I love her!