Dreams

Last night I had a crazy dream...
My Gram came home!! She was ALIVE! She wanted to know "What the hell did you do with all of my stuff?" "Who the hell is in my house?" "Why the hell would we do this to her?"
We (my brothers Sam and Ed and our Uncle Darrell) were at her trailer for one last sweep thru before we let the new owners have it and there she was..she walked right thru the door! As healthy as can be!! No oxygen, no grey hair, no slowness in her walk! And she looked at me like I betrayed her! She went to her room and said "Trina Renee, where are my things?" I told her that her bedroom set was in Jessica's room and that we had donated most of her clothes. She looked at me all confused and hurt and said "Now why the hell would you donate my old used drawers?" (meaning under ware, that's what she called them, lol) I told her she died. I thought to myself "Am I the only one that can see her? Is she here haunting me?" So, I pinched her! She said "Ouch! You little shit! That hurt!" OMG!!!!!!! She's alive!!!!!!!!!!!!! But How?? I saw her on the floor, not breathing. I touched her cold body. I brushed her hair off of her forehead. I heard the body bag open when the coroner came. I signed the papers to have her cremated!!! What did I do??? How could I have made such a huge mistake????? How is this happening? And who is in that box of ashes???? Someone has some explaining to do!!
And then....I woke up =(

This is the first dream I've had of her since she's passed away...at least that I can remember. Is she trying to tell me something?? What?? After my Mom passed away when I was 9, I would dream that she was standing there, telling me that someone had her and that I was the only one that could find her! Why do I have these dreams that they are not gone??? Why??? I'm scared to go to sleep.

Trust...

Can I trust you?

Can I trust you with my heart?
Can I trust you with my mind?
Can I trust you with my soul?
Can I trust you with my thoughts?
Can I trust you with my tears?
Can I trust you with my love?
Can I trust you with my sanity?
Can I trust you with my secrets?
Can I trust you with my family?
Can I trust you with my fears?
Can I trust you with my friends?
Can I trust you to just know...?

I feel I cant trust anyone...I feel alone.

GRIEF...

Its strange how grief can just hit you out of the blue...like this evening. I was laying in bed, watching TV...then when I turned off the lights and tried to go to sleep all I could think about was my Gram and how much I truly miss her! I thought about our last day together. I thought about how I wish she would call me. I thought about her laying on the floor and me telling her goodbye and that she was my hero. I thought about how lost I have been these last three months since she passed away. All I could do was cry. I had to get up out of bed and decided to blog to maybe help get it out of my system...but I don't think this feeling will EVER be out of my system!

I feel like the last three months I've been living someone elses life. Kind of like I'm in a dream. I would have thought reality would have kicked in by now and I'd be OK....but I'm not. I'm not the same Trina I was...at all. I don't smile or laugh as often. I am a sad person. Depression Sucks A$$!!

Well, I guess I'll try to sleep...I wanted to put this picture in the slide show and my Gram's memorial but my Aunt wouldn't let me...feels appropriate now...lol. I love her!

OREGON...

Good Morning...
We are going to escape this weekend!! Yay! Hubby and I have decided to pack up our kiddies and our pup and go see Aunt Nancy in Oregon. I asked when we will come back and hubby says "When we get bored or run out of money...whichever comes first" lol! I think he needs a break too! There is still snow on Mt. Ashland so Rob and Jake are most likely going to snowboard...I'll post pics when we return!
Everyone have a GREAT weekend!!!

Really its been since August??

I really need to blog more! Yikes!!

Well I officially hate 2010! This year has given me nothing but struggle.

Lets see...January 10th, I lost my Gram..the woman who raised me after my Mom passed away when I was only 9...but more than that she was the woman who was there from day one! My Mom was only 15 yrs old when I was born so...My Gram was there...ALWAYS. And now she's not...and it hurts, it hurts bad!

I recently got laid off from my job, a job I LOVED! I was there for almost 3 years and this damn economy sucks soooooooo bad that cutbacks had to be made...and unfortunately, I was one of them.

Last week I found out that the house we are renting is going into foreclosure, so we will have to move. Who knows when? I'm not moving until I get kicked out! Free Rent? Hell Ya!

On Saturday March 20th we lost a 14 year old from our Moto family. Jesse Masterpool passed away due to injuries caused by a crash while he was racing. I didn't know him personally but my 15 year old son did...he raced with Jesse. Jesse is the second kid that was close to my son that we have lost due to racing. My friends son Ben was 15 years old when he crashed and passed away due to injuries. Do I put my son in a bubble? Do I not let him race? No. He could be the boy that plays baseball and gets hit in the head by a line drive or the kid crossing the street that gets hit by a car. What I do is make sure he realizes that riding can be dangerous and that he's out there to have fun. We make sure he has all of the best protective equipment and we pray...every time he's on the track. Riding is his great love and he is one of mine.

So needless to say, its only March and I'm having a rough year. I hope to God it gets better.

Really??

I know I don't post often and I'm sorry....you can ALWAYS find me on Facebook tho! lol!

I just had to write a few words today....and they are, I cannot believe my baby boy is starting High School today...and I cannot believe my baby girl is in her last year at elementary school!!

A little depressed today! I don't want them to grow up...its happening toooooooooooo fast!

HELP!!

I know I dont blog often...I'm just here asking you to check out my friends Jenny and Joe! They have a great project going on and they can use your help!!! Thanks!