Time...

Where has it gone? The time...the time between when this BEAUTIFUL girl was born and came into our lives until now...seems like just yesterday.

Jessica Renee...you make me laugh every single day. I love you so very much! You are changing right before my eyes and I would like to just stop time for now and keep you my little girl! But as you grow into a young little woman I am amazed by you every day!

I love you my BEAUTIFUL GIRL!

...

Nothing much to say today =( I told myself that I would blog more often sooo...I'll just type whats on my mind.

~Why does my son not go to school until 10am today due to Star testing?
~How often should I wash our bedsheets? I do it once a month, is that enough?
~Why did my daughter put ALL of her jeans in the washer last night and now they are soaking wet and she has to wear shorts to school today...and its supposed to rain!
~I'm excited to get away to the mall with Denise and Allison today. I miss my VS lotion bad and need more!!
~I need to exercise more...
~I need to sleep less.
~I wish I could go to my brothers graduation.
~Has Jess brushed her teeth yet? We need to leave in a few minutes.
~I'm cold.

Ok...well I guess now you know whats on my mind at this moment...lol!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!

PEACEFUL...

What a GREAT day!

Woke up to and went to have breakfast with my friend Gina. Her Step mom, Sister and Niece are here from Reno for a few days and I was excited to see them! Yay for Mimosas and breakfast!

Came home and asked Hubby what he wanted to do today...he said he had no plans and "whatever" was fine and the he was just "along for the ride." So I took full advantage of that! Packed up a few things told the kids to get in the car and we drove to Bodega Bay for the afternoon. The kids played on the beach. The dog played on the beach. We played and napped on the beach...lol. Then a quiet drive home. Just what we needed! A day just for us! I loved it!

Thankful....

I know lately I've been a downer...so I want to switch it up. I am soooooooo thankful for the things I do have in life!

So thankful for my BEAUTIFUL Family that I am SO proud of!

So thankful Jessica and I have decided to go on this journey together to do Kaju.

So thankful that I get to spend summers with my Dad and out "hillbilly" side of the family! I love them!!

So thankful for ALL of my Brothers and Sisters!! Even though we couldn't all be together at Grams Memorial we were in heart! And they make me smile! I love you guys!

Wow...I'm so thankful for these people. A sad time brought us all together again. But its been at least 10 years and many new nieces and nephews since we've all been together.

I am thankful that I got to spend this last Christmas Eve with my Gram, drinking margaritas and enjoying family. She was soooo excited that I got her diabetic socks! She never got to wear them, she passed away 17 days after this picture was taken. I have this picture and the socks hanging in my room and I look at them everyday!
I'm so thankful that I had you for 36 years of my life Gram. I love you so very much! I'm thankful that we recently went to visit my Hubby's Grandma in Oregon. I've learned we have to spend as much time with everyone we can in life...because you never know what day will be the last. I am so thankful for my kids..they make me laugh so much and keep me going. No matter what happens I know that they love me and always will!

I'm so thankful for this silly little puppy. I never thought we would have a dog...but Monster is just what the doctor ordered! I can be sad and crying and he will come curl up next to me and just lick my cheek. He is a blessing. I know that sounds silly but I love this little Monster!


Thankful cannot describe what I feel for this man. For the last 20 1/2 years of my life he has been by my side. It hasn't always been easy...but its always been worth it. I love you Robert and I am so thankful for and appreciate everything you do for me and our family.
Lately I've spent a lot of time with these two precious Angels! I love them so much! I'm so thankful for my "little" blessings, Emily and Allison. I can be having a terrible day and just hearing the laughter of a 2 year old and the cooing of 4 month old can melt it all away!
I'm so thankful that we have GREAT friends that have moved into our neighborhood and we can all just be "kids" together!
I am soooooooo thankful that I have a great support system in my friends. You mean so much to me!
See...lol! They support me to be silly. To be myself. To have fun in life! I love my friends!
I am thankful for so much...and have not even began to put them all down into words or pictures so if your face isn't on this page it doesn't mean I am not thankful for you...
This has been the worst year I think I've had...ever! But I need to remember the things that make me thankful and make me smile!

Dreams

Last night I had a crazy dream...
My Gram came home!! She was ALIVE! She wanted to know "What the hell did you do with all of my stuff?" "Who the hell is in my house?" "Why the hell would we do this to her?"
We (my brothers Sam and Ed and our Uncle Darrell) were at her trailer for one last sweep thru before we let the new owners have it and there she was..she walked right thru the door! As healthy as can be!! No oxygen, no grey hair, no slowness in her walk! And she looked at me like I betrayed her! She went to her room and said "Trina Renee, where are my things?" I told her that her bedroom set was in Jessica's room and that we had donated most of her clothes. She looked at me all confused and hurt and said "Now why the hell would you donate my old used drawers?" (meaning under ware, that's what she called them, lol) I told her she died. I thought to myself "Am I the only one that can see her? Is she here haunting me?" So, I pinched her! She said "Ouch! You little shit! That hurt!" OMG!!!!!!! She's alive!!!!!!!!!!!!! But How?? I saw her on the floor, not breathing. I touched her cold body. I brushed her hair off of her forehead. I heard the body bag open when the coroner came. I signed the papers to have her cremated!!! What did I do??? How could I have made such a huge mistake????? How is this happening? And who is in that box of ashes???? Someone has some explaining to do!!
And then....I woke up =(

This is the first dream I've had of her since she's passed away...at least that I can remember. Is she trying to tell me something?? What?? After my Mom passed away when I was 9, I would dream that she was standing there, telling me that someone had her and that I was the only one that could find her! Why do I have these dreams that they are not gone??? Why??? I'm scared to go to sleep.

Trust...

Can I trust you?

Can I trust you with my heart?
Can I trust you with my mind?
Can I trust you with my soul?
Can I trust you with my thoughts?
Can I trust you with my tears?
Can I trust you with my love?
Can I trust you with my sanity?
Can I trust you with my secrets?
Can I trust you with my family?
Can I trust you with my fears?
Can I trust you with my friends?
Can I trust you to just know...?

I feel I cant trust anyone...I feel alone.

GRIEF...

Its strange how grief can just hit you out of the blue...like this evening. I was laying in bed, watching TV...then when I turned off the lights and tried to go to sleep all I could think about was my Gram and how much I truly miss her! I thought about our last day together. I thought about how I wish she would call me. I thought about her laying on the floor and me telling her goodbye and that she was my hero. I thought about how lost I have been these last three months since she passed away. All I could do was cry. I had to get up out of bed and decided to blog to maybe help get it out of my system...but I don't think this feeling will EVER be out of my system!

I feel like the last three months I've been living someone elses life. Kind of like I'm in a dream. I would have thought reality would have kicked in by now and I'd be OK....but I'm not. I'm not the same Trina I was...at all. I don't smile or laugh as often. I am a sad person. Depression Sucks A$$!!

Well, I guess I'll try to sleep...I wanted to put this picture in the slide show and my Gram's memorial but my Aunt wouldn't let me...feels appropriate now...lol. I love her!

OREGON...

Good Morning...
We are going to escape this weekend!! Yay! Hubby and I have decided to pack up our kiddies and our pup and go see Aunt Nancy in Oregon. I asked when we will come back and hubby says "When we get bored or run out of money...whichever comes first" lol! I think he needs a break too! There is still snow on Mt. Ashland so Rob and Jake are most likely going to snowboard...I'll post pics when we return!
Everyone have a GREAT weekend!!!

Really its been since August??

I really need to blog more! Yikes!!

Well I officially hate 2010! This year has given me nothing but struggle.

Lets see...January 10th, I lost my Gram..the woman who raised me after my Mom passed away when I was only 9...but more than that she was the woman who was there from day one! My Mom was only 15 yrs old when I was born so...My Gram was there...ALWAYS. And now she's not...and it hurts, it hurts bad!

I recently got laid off from my job, a job I LOVED! I was there for almost 3 years and this damn economy sucks soooooooo bad that cutbacks had to be made...and unfortunately, I was one of them.

Last week I found out that the house we are renting is going into foreclosure, so we will have to move. Who knows when? I'm not moving until I get kicked out! Free Rent? Hell Ya!

On Saturday March 20th we lost a 14 year old from our Moto family. Jesse Masterpool passed away due to injuries caused by a crash while he was racing. I didn't know him personally but my 15 year old son did...he raced with Jesse. Jesse is the second kid that was close to my son that we have lost due to racing. My friends son Ben was 15 years old when he crashed and passed away due to injuries. Do I put my son in a bubble? Do I not let him race? No. He could be the boy that plays baseball and gets hit in the head by a line drive or the kid crossing the street that gets hit by a car. What I do is make sure he realizes that riding can be dangerous and that he's out there to have fun. We make sure he has all of the best protective equipment and we pray...every time he's on the track. Riding is his great love and he is one of mine.

So needless to say, its only March and I'm having a rough year. I hope to God it gets better.

Really??

I know I don't post often and I'm sorry....you can ALWAYS find me on Facebook tho! lol!

I just had to write a few words today....and they are, I cannot believe my baby boy is starting High School today...and I cannot believe my baby girl is in her last year at elementary school!!

A little depressed today! I don't want them to grow up...its happening toooooooooooo fast!

HELP!!

I know I dont blog often...I'm just here asking you to check out my friends Jenny and Joe! They have a great project going on and they can use your help!!! Thanks!

THANKFUL TUESDAY!

Yay...I'm finally on to do one of Denise's Thankful Tuesdays!! Its been forever since I've done one...

This weeks subject is open...so here goes just off the top of my head!

1. This week I am thankful that my kids are almost done with school!! Final projects will be turned in by the end of the week and books are returned to school!! Yay for summer!



2. I am thankful that my son, Jake will be promoting into High School next Tuesday! Yes that's right, I said High School! There was a time that the doctors told me he didn't have a chance...and here he is, 14 years old making his journey into High School! I'm so very proud of him!



3. I am thankful for being able to spend some quality time with some dear old friends, Jenny and Kelly, that I haven't been able to be close to other than the here and there quick hello on Myspace or Facebook. I really cannot believe that Jenny moved in across the street! And when Kelly comes to visit I get to see her too!! Yay!!!



4. On that note I am thankful that ALL of our children have become friends...I have Jake and Jessica. Kelly has Kourtney, Maggie and Jacklyn and Jenny has Brooklyn, Zeke, Mercy and Judah...it was so cute how they all just bonded like they were family!



5. I am thankful that my friend Denise is getting some relief from her morning (all day) sickness and that we may be able to spend some time together this week. I really miss her!



6. I am thankful that I got to start tanning this week! I don't wanna be a ghost in August when we go to Hawaii!!



7. I am thankful that I have started to ease my way back to the gym...slowly! lol!



8. I am thankful that my hubby got to go into work at a decent hour on Monday (8am...he usually goes at 5:30 am) it was nice waking up and him still being there and being a part of our weekday routine. I even got coffee in bed! Thanks Honey!!



9. I'm thankful that I got to spend an AWESOME night out with my SIL Sara, on her birthday! We dressed up in pretty dresses and went to an art auction fundraiser for our kids school. It was so fun!!



10. And lastly, I'm thankful that everyone I know is actually doing really good right now! Dad is home from the hospital and healing, we are on track for the summer with a great vacation planned, Denise and her family are expecting a healthy new baby =) All just seems to be well! And I am so very thankful for that!

Its been forever....but here's a new one!

Just gonna post a few pics...I really had a "Flashback Friday"

WAY...BACK IN THE DAY!

Kelly, Trina and Jenny

And today...

Got to spend some time with a few great friends that I haven't hung out with since...um...wow I was 15 or 16!! Kelly and Jenny are sisters...we met while living on Mare Island when we were kids...and now...our kids are playing together! Its a trip! Love you girls and it was soooooooo great catching up!!

OUR BIG GIRLS...Kourtney, Jessica and Brooklyn

JUST A FEW OF THE CLAN...

Kourtney, Maggie (Kelly) Brooklyn and Zeke (Jenny) and Miss Jessica

Cannot wait until next time! Lucky for me Jenny just recently moved across the street from me so I get to enjoy her all the time now!! Yay!!!!

Bad Dreams....????

Ok...I know I haven't posted in FOREVER!!! So I will jot down a few lines now!
So last night I had a horrible dream...that was actually mind opening and kinda peaceful...if that makes sense! lol

In this dream I was planning my husbands funeral!!!! WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!! I have no idea how he died or how much time had past but I was actually ok for the most part. (It was present day, I was exactly the age I am now and so were my kids) I remember being a his FAVORITE track in Turlock, "THE OATFIELD"...there were hundreds of people there!! (My husband is a VERY quiet guy and doesnt have many friends, as he really just keeps to himself and his family so this is why I'm sooooooooooo surprised and happy so many people turned out.) I was the one doing ALL of the talking, which I'm sure if this day EVER comes when I'm still alive I will NOT be doing ANY of the talking!!! (I told him that I have to go before him because I could never survive a day on this earth without him!!)

Anyhoo, I remember saying things like, Robert only had a few loves in his life, his children, myself (hopefully, lol), his family and friends, his truck and dirtbike and this track! (meaning the track we were having the funeral at) I went on to say, we have been coming to this track for about 12 years, before my son could even race (Jake raced his very first race at 4 1/2 years old at this track). My husband broke bones on this track and still loved it!

I pointed people out in the crowd- like this kid that we have seen grow up on the track and I said "He loved to ride the track but he also loved to watch people, like you Mark Braden, he was so amazed by the way you have grown up and have learned to race on big bikes now...he cannot believe you could kick his but on the track and you're only 13!!" (there were giggles)

I went on to say "and the girls at the sign in trailer, Amy and Glenda, he couldn't go a weekend without giving you a hard time...but he would ALWAYS stop by to say hello...because you made him smile, thank you.

"Jack and Corky,(which are father and son who own the track) He would give you a hard time about playing poker on Saturday nights between races instead of prepping the track for the next day...just cuz he thought it was funny...but he knew how hard you guys work and appreciated you so much and he knew you needed a break! (The dream seemed to keep going on and on....)

I pointed people out that just stood out in his life, people I think I didn't even know really did...like my BFF's husband Erik, in my dream Erik had turned out to be a WONDERFUL friend to Robert...even though Rob is quiet and not "hard to get along with" but hard to judge cuz you think he's mad all the time when in reality...he's just being himself and taking it easy...lol!! But anyway, I'm off subject...I remember telling Erik in my dream that I loved him so much for being such a great friend to Rob and for being there when we needed ANYTHING! Its crazy...right? Cuz in real life Erik and Rob and friends, yes...but in my dream, he was a "GREAT" friend of my husband...and I was very touched by that!
In my dream I had Robert cremated and Corky dug a hole below one of the greatest jumps in Oatfield history, the step up, and we placed my husbands ashes and his riding gloves in there...where he would forever be...at his Favorite Track!


Ok...when I woke up I reached over and grabbed my husband...waking him up and I told him "you can NEVER die!" I was crying!!! He held me and giggled...but I'm not sure he has any idea how in depth this dream was...I don't even think I posted the half of it!! Just what I could really remember.

I have to say something to those of you that know us, you know that my husband doesn't "hang out" with us when we do our thing...he doesn't really wanna go places and do things we do...but it isn't because he doesn't like you, as some may think, or he's mad at you or me...Its just because this is who he is...a chill, mellow guy who LOVES to just hang out with his kids, chill in the garage, ride his dirtbike and love his family! He is my husband...and I completely ADORE him!! Please, just give him a chance...you will love him too!! =0)

This dream just made me realize...you don't really know what you've got until its gone! We need to take a step back from our lives and look from the outside in...realize what is important! Its not the material things that can be replaced! Its those you love and adore! Cherish them! They may not be around forever!

Bloggin...hmmm

I haven't blogged in FOREVER!!! Time flies past me like crazy and the next thing you know...I haven't blogged in weeks!
Things have been busy here at the home front, Jake and I were both sick last week but starting to feel better now...Jake is being a typical 14 yr old boy..gettin trouble and being wonderful to try to make up for it! I love that kid! Jess is being a great 10 yr old girl...she is my heart!
The fam is good, just busy as ever! I got to spend a great day out yesterday with Denise and Val. We took our girls to Train Town in Sonoma...it was so much fun! I will have the girls send me pics so I can post them up! (If I blog lol!)
Well, I'm gonna go wake up my sister who is passed out on the couch after our little outing last night! Have a great weekend everyone!

THANKFUL TUESDAY!

This weeks topic from Denise over at Laughing with Spoons is...

THIS PAST WEEK....

here goes...



1. I am thankful that it rained...and I got to spend some time with my family away from the track (I know that sounds stingy but...we spend most weekends at the track and since it rained so much the race got cancelled...so ya, I'm stingy! lol) (Even though they did go riding on Sunday!)



2. I'm thankful that two of my friends, Gina and Denise, who were VERY ill are much better now!



3. I am thankful that I was told I have NO NEW TUMORS in my neck!! I've been having trouble swallowing and talking..I was told that I have a very inflamed throat, vocal cords and esophagus, and that I shouldn't talk for a week or so (YEAH RIGHT) but there are no new tumors as they suspected! (I had thyroid cancer when I was 19 and tumors scare me!!)



4. On that note, I am thankful that I have medical coverage...as I have spent TONS of time at the hospital this past month...and its not over...I have three more appointments this Friday =(



5. I am thankful for the new niece and nephew we received on Wednesday Feb. 5th. They are Beautiful! Congrats to my BIL, Joe and SIL, Mandy for their beautiful babies Alek and Sasha!



6. I'm thankful that I got to go out this weekend and be a big kid! lol! I went out for a few drinks on Saturday night with some great friends and had a wonderful time!



7. I'm thankful that neither of my children got in trouble this week! Its been rough around here lately...I'm not gonna like the teenage years! My Dad, Gram and Aunt Deb told me I would get paid back by my kids...I think they were right! lol!



8. I'm thankful that we have a roof over our heads! Its been cold and wet!!



9. I'm thankful that I came home today at waiting for me was a card from my Dad...saying he's always with me in his heart! I love him!



10. Lastly, I am thankful for my family, my friends and all of you that have made a difference in my life...just by being you!

Laggin on the bloggin...AND MY FFF

MISS JESSICA TURNS 10...LET THE PARTY BEGIN!!

THE BIRTHDAY GIRL

BLOWIN OUT 10 CANDLES

YAY FOR MY NEW HELMET

YAY FOR PRESENTS

YAY FOR FAMILY

YAY FOR ICE SKATING WITH DADDY

YAY FOR AUNTIE SARA AND AUNTIE B ICE SKATING

YAY FOR GRANDMA ICE SKATING

THE AUNTIES

YAY FOR FRIENDS

YAY FOR AUNTIE DENISE AND MISS EMILY

YAY FOR BECKY AND AUNTIE AMY

YAY FOR SLEEPOVERS!!

and...yay for 10am the next morning when they all went home! lol!!!

Jessica had a great birthday! Thanks to all of you who came to share it with us and to all of you who sent her birthday wishes!!

NOW YOU GO OVER TO MISS KIMMY'S PAGE AND PARTICIPATE IN FFF! IT'S FUN!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA!!

Today my baby turns 10!! At 10 am...she will no longer be single digits! I cant believe it!!

Jessica this morning with her birthday waffels!

Ice Skating with Friends!

THANKFUL TUESDAY!

Its been a long time since I've blogged thanks to that fall I had last week and I'm still not 100% but here we go...Thankful Tuesday at 12:15 am!

This weeks topic from Ms. Denise at Laughing with Spoons is....
YOU. But...I am not looking for "I am thankful I have a nice husband" but more of what qualities do you posses that you are thankful for!

Hmm...

1. I am thankful that I can be alone with myself and be completely happy...lol!
2. I am thankful that I can be funny at times.
3. I am thankful that I try to be the best Wife and Mom I can be for my family.
4. I am thankful that I try to be the best Friend I can be to those who let me!
5. I am thankful that I am healthy for the most part, yes right now I have a sore arm, wrist and throat...but it could be worse! I've already had cancer and DO NOT want that back!
6. I am thankful that I'm social...I like people...lol!
7. I am thankful that I have cute feet...lol! Even tho the hubby calls my feet Fred Flintstone feet..I think they are the cutest thing I have! lol!!
8. I'm thankful that I make it a point to be VERY close to my kids and know whats going on in their lives and make it easy for them to talk to me WHENEVER they need to about WHATEVER they want!
9. I am thankful that I'm honest...sometimes its to a fault, I've been told I'm too honest...but hey, better that than not I think!
10. I am just plain thankful for me...if not for me I wouldn't be married to the greatest guy, have two of the best kids in the world, be part of an awesome family network and have the greatest friends ever!!!

Now come on...go to Denise's page and sign Mr. Linky (I think that's his name) and let us know what you think about yourself and what makes you thankful!!

Bowling, Dangerous?!

So, I bowl on Friday nights and its fun! We hang out and have a great time. Last night was no different, except for the fact that bowling landed me in the emergency room! I went up to take my turn and while walking up there my shoe caught a nail on the edge of the lane and I went down like a Redwood in the woods! With a 13 pound bowling ball in my hand!! So here I am...whole body killing me! Wearing a sling, wrist splint and knee brace...with bruises EVERYWHERE!

All because I went bowling!